Saturday, February 04, 2006

A Lost Cause in Translation

Here is a link to a video showing a Japanese high schooler interviewing Dakota Fanning, the child actress from "War of the Worlds", "Man On Fire", and "I Am Sam". It might go down in history as one of the funniest and most awkward interviews ever conducted. Strangely, the whole encounter reminds me of most dates I've been on (not that my dates are with eleven year-old girls). Calm, cool, and collected we are not.

Friday, February 03, 2006

I'm No Superman

Some of you who have known me through the years will remember that I went through varying degrees of infatuation with Mandy Moore and Katie Holmes. Well, with the recent engagement of Miss Moore, as well as the ongoing saga of Katie (and, well, you know...), it was brought to my attention (thanks Jenny!) that these two former loves of mine have marched off in very different directions since our respective amicable separations (fine, restraining orders aren't that amicable). Now, who has fared better between these two vixens?

First, let's refresh our memories of the fresh-faced beauties:

Mandy Moore, from her "I'm missing you like candy..." days:



Katie Holmes, fresh from the "creek":




Verdict: Push


Next, let's see who the lucky guys are:

Zach Braff, actor/writer/director/doctor, using fuel-efficient transportation and promoting cleanliness:




Tom Cruise, actor/producer/emperor, laughing sinisterly and killing Oprah Winfrey:





Verdict: Mandy (for being engaged to someone who is appalled at the thought of killing Oprah - see below)


Now, let's see how the ladies have fared since leaving me:

Mandy has experimented with darker tones while maturing into a graceful and elegant swan, broadening her range from music to film and television:





Katie, after kissing Mr. Cruise, has developed many strange sores on her lips and now dons a (likely magical) leotard that protects the alien spawn that resides in her belly (or Chris Klein's son, who will never learn the truth about his biological father):







Verdict: Mandy (for blossoming into womanhood while avoiding herpes, a true feat in Hollywood, I'm sure)

And The Winner: Zach Braff (Who are we kidding? You better believe Zach is the real winner here. Imagine you're Zach Braff. Then this is what you will be seeing, and you will love it.)



Sidenote: Notice Zach and Donald Faison's shock while watching Tom Cruise kill Oprah on television, and also note that Zach is attempting the same emperor-esque move, only there are no electric beams emanating from his fingertips. Conclusive evidence of Zach Braff's humanness, in direct contrast with Tom's secret role as a killer of Jedis.

Whatever Happened To Stephanie Tanner? (or Predictability,for that matter?)



A story yesterday revealed that Jodie Sweetin, a.k.a. Stephanie Tanner on "Full House", had checked into a drug rehab clinic in March 2005 for a meth addiction. Now clean and sober, Jodie wants to return to a career in entertainment, in hopes of moving beyond the adolescent role that made her famous (and probably contributed to her drug use after the cancellation of the show). In looking up her bio, apparently a lot has happened to Jodie since the end of "Full House". She graduated from Los Alamitos High School (give it up for Orange County!), went to Chapman University in California, and even got married in 2002 (with DJ Tanner's daughter as flower girl). Unfortunately, life has been more difficult to her, what with her battle with meth, as well as a recent announcement of an impending divorce. Though I hated Stephanie Tanner the most among the three daughters (the writers didn't help her out, either), I am pulling for her to make a comeback and accomplish what Jaleel White and Dustin Diamond can only dream of doing. And I'll admit that she's aged fairly well.



On another note, the article also mentioned that Jodie's drug use prompted an intervention by some of her "Full House" castmates, including the Olsen twins, John Stamos, and Bob Saget. I gotta say, if that's true, that would have been the most kick-ass get-together in history. Growing up, I have to admit that I watched an inordinate amount of "Full House" reruns, especially considering that I didn't really think it was funny or entertaining. Personally, I would have watched it over "Saved By The Bell" reruns (I laughed a grand total of one time during the course of that show. Piss-poor writing, I could have done better), and I accept the consequences of my admission.

Honestly, have you ever stopped to think about that cast of "Full House"? Had you known then, what you know now, would you have possibly viewed it differently? First of all, Bob Saget played All-American dad Danny Tanner, uber-geeky, full of single parent love, cleanliness-obsessed, and loaded with really bad one-liners. Then, you find out that Saget is apparently an a**hole in real life, not to mention a successful stand-up comic whose vulgarity is matched by few. Next up, Dave Coulier played happy jokester Uncle Joey Gladstone. In case you didn't already know, the Alanis Morrisette tirade "You Oughta Know" was about Uncle Joey. Yes, he is involved in the line about going down on someone in a theater. I'd like to think that when he gets asked about the song (which I'm sure he still does), he responds with a simple "Cut It Out". Which brings us to Uncle Jesse Katsopolis, the one role that is not too different from its maker, John "I lost Rebecca Romijn to Jerry O'Connell" Stamos. He's the player president on the show, and from what I've seen and heard on the Howard Stern show, he's the real deal in life too. Let's move on. Candace Cameron, DJ, is the younger sister of Kirk Cameron from "Growing Pains". That was well and good until I learned from E! True Hollywood Story that Kirk became a born-again Christian during the show and basically alienated himself from the rest of the cast, thus causing its demise. He caused risque storylines to be changed, and even got Julie McCullough (who played Julie, the super-cute babysitter) fired because she posed in Playboy on the side. I bet he got "Boner" blacklisted from Hollywood. Seriously, where's he been lately? And the Olsen Twins? 'Nuff said. Who knew those monkey-looking twins would turn out to be occasionally-semi-hot-looking media moguls? I sure didn't. And finally, how can we forget Aunt Becky, the ageless wonder played by Lori Loughlin. She's the real reason I watched that show, and I would still be watching it now if it had continued to this day, just as long as Aunt Becky still lived in the attic. I will not discuss Kimmy Gibbler.


Aunt Becky ... have mercy.


All rise for one last acknowledgement of the almighty creator of T.G.I.F. (Thank Goodness It's Funny).

The Real QB Challenge

On Sunday, Ben Roethlisberger will lead the Pittsburgh Steelers into Super Bowl XL in Detroit, taking on Matt Hasselbeck's no-respect-gettin' Seattle Seahawks. Much has been made in the past two weeks about the value of these two quarterbacks on their respective teams. However, highly touted on-the-field quarterback duels are a dime-a-dozen during the regular season and playoffs. Indeed, there are other arenas where two QBs on the cusp of superstardom can face off for world supremacy ... like at a raging kegger.

In the red (and gold) corner, hailing from The University of Southern California, 2004 Heisman Trophy winner and two-time national champion, Matt Leinart:




And in the black (and yellow) corner, striking mid-major gold at Miami (of Ohio), the second youngest QB ever to start a Super Bowl and the first QB in history to lead his team to the conference championship game in each of his first two seasons, Big Ben Roethlisberger:





This should be the real Super Bowl. Take these two party animals, throw them in a room together with some nubile coeds, add liberal amounts of Wild Turkey and Southern Comfort, shake well, and enjoy! Fathers, lock up yer daughters and yer liquor cabinets when Matt and Big Ben roll into town!

Get Arrested!

In an attempt to whet your palate, here is the first half of the pilot episode of "Arrested Development", which gives an introduction to the characters and the plot of the show. If more parts of it are made available, I will link to them. Save Our Bluths!

Pilot Episode, Part I




Pilot Episode, Part II


Thursday, February 02, 2006

Roll On You Bears!

For the Golden Bears in the crowd, this one's for you...some of you might have seen this while watching the NFL playoffs. I've been trying to find a copy of this revisionist masterpiece, and this is the best I can do:

Sony Lo-Def Productions Presents... "The Play"

Truly, "the most amazing, sensational, dramatic, heart-rending, exciting, thrilling finish in the history of college football."

Getting Cross With Carson Daly

You'll definitely want to watch this video if:

a.) You are a fan of "Arrested Development", the smartest, funniest, and most critically acclaimed comedy (this side of Raymond), and you love Tobias Funke, actor/analrapist (analyst/therapist), played by comedian David Cross.

b.) You are a fan of "Arrested Development", and you relish the opportunity to see Alia Shawkat and Michael Cera (Maeby Funke and George Michael Bluth) making the rounds on late-night television.

c.) You are NOT a fan of "Arrested Development", but you WERE a fan of "Mr. Show", the comedy show starring David Cross and Bob Odenkirk, which I have not seen but have heard is excellent.

d.) You hate Carson Daly, and everything he stands for, and want nothing more than to see him be humiliated on his own talk show by the sheer brilliance of David Cross, aided by Alia Shawkat and Michael Cera. Watch Carson's slow and painful meltdown with as much pleasure as I did.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Mama Said Punch You Out!

Are you a member of the 8-bit Nintendo generation? Did you used to play classics like "Double Dribble" and "Tecmo Bowl"? I remember spending ages with "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out", trying desperately to defeat the likes of Glass Joe, Piston Honda, Great Tiger, and Soda Popinski just to earn the right to get destroyed by Iron Mike's devastating uppercut. Well, for those of you with fond memories of that game, here's a video that you might enjoy. Biggie ups to my main man Cody for sending me the link. For those of you unable to watch it, here's a flipbook-esque rendition of what you're missing:













And don't forget about training!




If anyone still has that game and it works without having to blow into it, I think the Tyson code is: 007-373-5963. That's almost 20 years of repressed memory, not so much mental recall but rather motor recall. In other words, those numbers are less about remembering the numbers as they are remembering how my fingers would quickly input the code. VH1 is so right, I love the 80's...