I'm No Superman

Some of you who have known me through the years will remember that I went through varying degrees of infatuation with Mandy Moore and Katie Holmes. Well, with the recent engagement of Miss Moore, as well as the ongoing saga of Katie (and, well, you know...), it was brought to my attention (thanks Jenny!) that these two former loves of mine have marched off in very different directions since our respective amicable separations (fine, restraining orders aren't that amicable). Now, who has fared better between these two vixens?

First, let's refresh our memories of the fresh-faced beauties:

Mandy Moore, from her "I'm missing you like candy..." days:


Katie Holmes, fresh from the "creek":



Verdict: Push


Next, let's see who the lucky guys are:

Zach Braff, actor/writer/director/doctor, using fuel-efficient transportation and promoting cleanliness:



Tom Cruise, actor/producer/emperor, laughing sinisterly and killing Oprah Winfrey:




Verdict: Mandy (for being engaged to someone who is appalled at the thought of killing Oprah - see below)


Now, let's see how the ladies have fared since leaving me:

Mandy has experimented with darker tones while maturing into a graceful and elegant swan, broadening her range from music to film and television:




Katie, after kissing Mr. Cruise, has developed many strange sores on her lips and now dons a (likely magical) leotard that protects the alien spawn that resides in her belly (or Chris Klein's son, who will never learn the truth about his biological father):






Verdict: Mandy (for blossoming into womanhood while avoiding herpes, a true feat in Hollywood, I'm sure)

And The Winner: Zach Braff (Who are we kidding? You better believe Zach is the real winner here. Imagine you're Zach Braff. Then this is what you will be seeing, and you will love it.)



Sidenote: Notice Zach and Donald Faison's shock while watching Tom Cruise kill Oprah on television, and also note that Zach is attempting the same emperor-esque move, only there are no electric beams emanating from his fingertips. Conclusive evidence of Zach Braff's humanness, in direct contrast with Tom's secret role as a killer of Jedis.