Thursday, January 19, 2006

Are You Ready For Some Football?!

Last week in the 2nd round of the NFL Playoffs, controversy swirled throughout the league due to questionable (and in one case, blatantly incorrect) calls by the officials. In increasing order of importance, three calls potentially altered the course of three different games.

1. Panthers-Bears: In the fourth quarter, Thomas Jones dove along the right sideline, with replays showing that he tossed/fumbled the ball into the end zone, just inside the right pylon. It was ruled a touchdown, but a challenge reversed the call, only to have a facemask penalty on the play take precedence, thus allowing Chicago to retain possession and score the touchdown. No real harm, actually a vindication for instant replay.

2. Patriots-Broncos: In the 2nd half, with the Patriots down 10-6 and on the cusp of taking the lead (and momentum with it), Tom Brady threw an interception in the end zone to Champ Bailey, who ran down the left sideline in an attempt to score a touchdown. But, Ben Watson of the Patriots hustled across the entire length and breadth of the field to tackle Bailey at the 1-yard line, jarring the ball loose. Officials called the ball out-of-bounds at the one. Bill Belichick challenged the ruling, thinking that the ball had actually been knocked into and then out of the end zone, which would have resulted in a touchback for the Pats. However, no conclusive evidence was available to overturn the call, so Denver ran the ball in from the 1-yard line and took a commanding (and deflating) 17-6 lead on their way to victory.

Now, I propose that if there had been cameras up high, like they do in casinos, then an overhead angle would have been able to show the path of the ball after Watson tackled Champ. If casinos can do it, why can't football stadiums? Why not cover all angles if you're going to allow instant replay? I think the outcome may have been different had the call been overturned. Then again, maybe my Broncos-hating nature is just kicking in.

3. Steelers-Colts: This one has been talked about enough. In a word, Troy Palomalu intercepted Peyton Manning's pass, the officials reviewed the play, and reversed the call by ruling it an incomplete pass. Complete hogwash, a little bit of conspiracy theory, and vindication by the NFL, who acknowledged that the reversal decision was utterly wrong. Scary thing is that the Colts came really close to tying/winning that game, which would have been a tragedy for Pittsburgh, who deservedly won that epic game. As my brother said afterward, "I think I aged five years during those last five minutes."

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Now, onto my real conclusion about these last few weeks of the NFL season. Don't rely on skill. Don't rely on luck. Definitely don't rely on good officiating. There is one, and only one, way that you can ensure victory, or at least give yourself a fighting chance in case your opponent does the same. And what's that, you ask?

Start a bearded quarterback.

I've discussed this in the past. Ben Roethlisberger has a beard and Peyton Manning doesn't. Ben's team wins. Jake Plummer has a beard and Tom Brady doesn't. Jake's team wins. (In past Super Bowls, when Brady had beards, they always won.) Rex Grossman starts for the Bears, and Kyle Orton sits on the bench. Kyle Orton has a beard (neck beard, however - see pic below), Rex Grossman doesn't. Neither does Jake Delhomme. Beard rule is neutralized. Carolina wins due to secondary X-factor, fierce player with Napoleonic complex (5'9" Steve Smith = giant killer). Had Chicago followed the beard rule, they'd be playing for the NFC championship this weekend. No Super Bowl Shuffle for them. Likewise, Seattle-Washington game is a wash. Win goes to tertiary X-factor, team that doesn't know how to score cannot win; therefore, Seattle wins.

Thus, worlds will collide this Sunday at Mile High Stadium when the Broncos and Steelers battle in the Beard Bowl, a.k.a. the Grizzly Adams Bowl. Whose beard will prove to be the stronger force of nature? Lumberjack beard or Hobbit beard? I can't wait to find out.







And yes, that's Jake Plummer shopping at what looks to be Target. On an unrelated note, let's have a moment of silence for this poor U$C cheerleader, who forgot which team she was cheering for, when she raised her arms in triumph after a Texas touchdown during the Rose Bowl:



Go Bears!

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